A dense weekend.
A lot's happened I guess. It's been good. I'd been looking forward to this weekend for ages, for a number of reasons. It went pretty much to plan. I finished for (for 6 days) on Thursday, Friday was impromptu / inappropriate BBQ time! Then The Twilight Sad gig. They were superb. They sound much fiercer than previous gigs. You can tell they've toured with Mogwai, the second last song became a wall of feedback and distortion. It sounded and felt like something was trying to claw its way out of the amps. Superb stuff. After that, back to Mangus's for beers and general arseing about.
Saturday had a lot more in store. Went to Rutherglen for Counsins Get Drunk and Play Pro and Brian Doesn't Pass fun. Was top class, excellent banter. Should make it a monthly deal for sure. Then eventually I turned up to the Classic Grand for Jen's last night out OUT. It was great in there, everyone was out. Good to see them all, especially Jen & Pete obviously, McClernon and Jamieson (who I'd no seen in ages), Pam (coz) and the Madskulls. Eventually Rhona and I went back to Jen's where shitey / awesome 90s music played in an entirely un-ironic way (culminating in Cast - Walk Away).
Eventually I was allowed to leave at like 10am. Was far more, I dunno, difficult than I thought. It'll be so strange for Jen to not be *right there* for 6 months. Hadn't thought about it until yesterday & today... Still, it's not that long in the grand scheme of things.
Today I got up at like 2pm, watched the Liverpool "game" (atrocious performance) and daydreamed through the evening. Few beers with Alice & Mal, watched some Trailer Park Boys. I'll call them Malice from now on, that's a fucking belter! Up the road, long sleep. Hanging about with Pam tomorrow. Over-all, the weekend was top class 'coz I got to see most of the favourite people. Lovely stuff, can't ask for more than that. Well, à demain.
Time for an update; past, present and future.
The Past; Well I've moved out. And I've graduated. The latter piece of info seems a bit lost in the mix due to the former. In June, I was told to find somewhere else to live due to Claire wanting her flat back (which is fair enough since it is her's). Having just finished my uni exams and stuff, and considering my future (re. career/studying etc) this was pretty awful timing. It sort of pushed me into two actions; 1) find a liveable flat as soon as possible and 2) find a bearable full-time job. I had mixed results.
Moved out, relatively quickly, with Ewan and Dyno. They're cool, the flat is really nice, affordable and in a good area - really close to town and thus close to pretty much everything I need. I don't have a big room where I can hide any more. I do have a lounge where we can socialize. A daunting prospect. Feel it's been good for me to share my do-nothing time with others. I sort-of had that in the old flat and sort of didn't. It has its drawbacks as I can't just crawl into my own world, in my room, now; it's too small and uncomfortable. As I said though, other people are good for me, just not when I'm in a difficult mood.
The job front has been a bit messier. I was working for the Taxi Office until Sept. This was part time though, obviously I had to find some other work, some full time work, immediately. I had a bit of a hard time with due to issues (some beyond my control, some within). Eventually thanks to Mick, I got a full time position working in the kitchen of TGI Fridays. I was pretty enthusiastic about this but looking back I think I was just more enthusiastic about changing jobs and relieved to have found a full time job. It didn't work out though. I've gone on about TGI's far too much recently so I'll just say it wasn't the right environment for me, I couldn't cope. I regretted leaving the Taxi firm for a number of reasons; working full time for TGI was only marginally better financially than part time at the Taxis; I realized how easy I had it in my previous job; I actually missed the people and the environment. That brings us to the present, I guess.
The present; After handing my notice into TGI's, and numerous seemingly unsuccessful job interviews, CV distribution drives (what?) and application forms, I'm back at the Taxi company through a fortunate twist of fate. I phoned for a taxi! Jenny-lee answered, joked about me coming back and we went from there. The thing is now, I'm working full time, which is what I wanted in the first place! I was so relieved to be back. I still am, really. I could feel the proverbial walls closing in around me. So, as I said, I'm back where I started and extremely relieved to be there. I don't really feel embarrassed about going back, its beyond that, I'm going back to a better situation for me, to a job I did well, to some security most importantly. So what now?
The Future; Nothing's changed. I still want to teach English overseas. To do this requires a fair bit of cash. At this point in time I am down to the last pennies, near enough. This last month has been horrific in terms of income; TGI's take the piss re. getting wages out to employees in time. Doesn't look like I'm getting my laying time time either. I look forward to cutting all ties on Friday when (if?) I receive my final wage. All this is irrelevant though, I need a long term plan. This plan looks something like; work. work. work. Get some money saved, then next summer do a TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) course before hopefully finding work in a field I think I could do well, in a position in I want to be. Since graduating, a lot has happened. I haven't had time to consider my long term path as far as career goes, I sort of had to find the best short term plan (and I lucked out with the flat / mates). So, now I have some stability, I see somewhere I want to be (abroad!), I see something I want to do. It's in my hands now. I get frustrated and upset when I have no plan or path to follow, that's why the last few months have been the worst of my life in some respects. I look forward now to staying on course!
Cheers, this was for no-one in particular. Needed to get some clarity and perspective.
I'm posting this here because too many people read my Facebook. Oh God, what an opening line...
I'm very unhappy with my life. I feel insignificant. I feel like I can't make any positive changes to my situation. I can't find a full time job. I've been consistently rejected and the reasons, they vary, they cut. I hate how I'm living. I'm not living. I'm renting a soul.
A year a go, I had it made. I loved my life. I want to go back there. Everything suited. Huge room (better than big flat, more on this later), Jenny as a flatmate is far better and less detrimental to my health than Dyno, less snipey than Ewan. I was working on 12, 000 words of misery. I spent a lot of hours on my dissertation. I'd gladly do another to turn back the clock.
I'm not suicidal, don't get me wrong. I'm not at all. I realize saying this raises red flags. I just now understand why young people, young men, at my age, feel like they have no other choice. For the first time in my life, I understand. As I said, I'm not. I'm in a rut and all it takes is some twist of luck or fate, or some twist by my hand to turn my life around. I just, I understand that constant stream of claustrophobia, the web, the tightening of the noose and the asphyxiating nature of life and chasing a career. Many can't deal. I can, given the chance.
I'm 25 in 2 weeks. Less than two weeks. I cant act like a dickhead and climb things, fight things, make an arse of myself every weekend. I did, but I can't any more. I need to fucking grow up, be a man. I wake up sometimes, cringing at the shite I've done.
I've decided to change my tone towards some people. If you find me absent, I am. If we are in a critical conversation, I will flat out refuse to acknowledge the situation.
In short, I'm tired of this. I'm tired of this charade. I need stability and a new mentality. I'll take it now.
Don't think the irony of posting this whiney Livejournal post on Livejournal is lost on me.
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this one's optimistic
Big Wednesday as they said in Game On. Big Thursday.
Does anyone actually remember Game On? Loved it. Contained brilliant wee moments of poignancy. Something I love in comedy.
I'm at a cross roads.
So, I'm finished uni. Well, even that, I'm not too sure of. Completed my last exams of this term, at least, and save for possible re-do of course work, I'm finished with Caledonian.
Now what? I dunno!
The original plan was to take a year out and work full time while I evaluated the next step. I'd like this to be the plan still, Plan A, but there seems to be very few full time jobs about. Admittedly my job hunting has been lax.
Today I had a meeting with a careers advisor in uni. It was quite daunting. I said I'd be interesting in teaching English as a foreign language. She said I could do that and pointed me towards some TEFL (Teaching as a Foreign Language) courses. We looked at a couple. The Trinity one runs in London, Prague and Barcelona, costing around £1500 for a 4 week intensive (and it seems intensive, as in, teaching from day 1) course. Intimidating stuff. I simply cannot afford that right now though. We also looked at some Glasgow TEFL courses but concluded that they offered very little (dodgy website and dodgy 'qualification' along with low price = useless qualification & few prospective jobs at the other end). Had a look at a ESOL course, which is the same as TEFL, based in Edinburgh for 3 weeks. Again, intensive, again it costs a lot (£955). The Trinity and the ESOL courses seem to have good chances of leading to a job at the end, but again, the money...
We also looked at volounteer work in schools. I could do this. This would be good for dipping my toe into the teaching sphere. Make it less daunting if and when I can scrape up £2k to do a TEFL/ESOL course.
Also looked at some vacancies in China, through British Council. The stuff looked promising and safe. I'm unsure about a new climate and environment as well as a new proper job... it would be a lot to deal with. Fortunately (or unfortunately) applications had to be in for March, so, maybe that's an idea for next year.
Finally, we looked at a placement (paid) in North Korea, teaching English. Good money, but the above problems exist. New country, new environment, how would I survive? I dunno, I'm an introspective person but I still would be very lonely and due to my obtuse nature and lack of ease at making friends, I fear I'd be quite isolated out there. Anyway, I do plan on applying regardless. Stars seem to be aligned.
So that's that. The best course of action still seems to be Plan A. The easy plan... full time employment. Employment, full time anyway, is not so easy to gain right now.
Crossroads or an opening?